Fallen

*image borrowed from dark.prozadia.org

I fear mediocrity. But I also know I've been mediocre my entire life. It is spun into a web and I've been caught in it -- unable to move, unable to escape. And the harder I budge, the stronger it sticks to my body, enveloping my existence.

Writing troubles me. I admit I'm not a good writer (though I try to be) but my writing is no longer as free flowing as before. Reading has become much harder as well.

I sink and sink into oblivion. I thought I was almost near grasping the light but now I have fallen again. I have succumbed to the voices inside my head and I can't say "no" to them.

Going to class is no longer as fun as before. Sometimes I'd enter a classroom and I feel trapped -- trapped because I know that my learning ability is at its limit...and I'm going to fail this class. Fail it hard.

Painful. Agonizing. Screeching. Burning. Failure.

I no longer enjoy doing laboratory work. I see my classmates eager to know each part of the skeletal system and I envy them. I am envious and I am sad because I can no longer do that.

My insides are dead. What more is, like before, I've become allergic to crowds.

People make me feel uneasy. Perhaps because I know they are going to trample on me. It is not that hard to trample on a person who has been stagnant, frozen, unable to move... dead. I don't really blame them.

I might not be able to finish college. Who cares?! The world never cares for a tiny dust that will eventually get blown away. No. The world continues to move as I squeeze my body in a dark, tiny box. Awake but asleep. Alive but dead inside.

"We are like sinking ships".

I've already sunk and anchored in the abyss.