I haven't seen my psychiatrist for almost 6 months now. Probably not a good idea. I feel that the world hates me. And I'm angry at myself and the world.
I haven't slept well at night for 6 straight days now. My bones are shivering as my insides have frozen. I can barely control my emotions anymore. Today I made a big fuss in the photo station. I was beyond myself and it was too late when I realized the scene I had made.
Everything annoys me now. I begin to see and even feel myself tying electric wires around my neck and choking myself to death. I imagined that even at the photo station. And it feels real every time I imagine it. One day, it might end up being true.
But I am no more than a coward. I fear the unknown. A coward forever cowering in the darkness.
10 comments:
Hey, sweetheart. We go way back, although our friendship used to be closer, and I miss that. If you're not doing well now, whereas you felt that your shrink was helping you, then, please, go back. Did he have you on anti-depressants? Were you taking them? I was on them for years, and they do help.
hello thea.. what's up?? what's the scene you're talking about?? And what's the problem really?? You can tell me naman.. Ai.. Hey, kwentuhan mo naman ako.. Ingat always... :)
@Snowbrush: I just went to see my doctor yesterday. And she increased the dosage for my meds and gave me sleeping pills. I'm a bit close to breaking down and hopefully that gets prevented.
It's been a bit crazy lately. So I haven't really took time to leave messages in your blog. But I visit once in a while. I just don't have enough time these days and the days have been scary -- with trying to graduate and all, and the fear of "what am I supposed to do now?" Stuff like that.
Anyway, I'm trying to get better. And I really hope I do, one day. I have a very supportive mother and I'm very appreciative of that.
@Sura: Keri lang naman. And I'm trying to forget that scene already. I don't think I'm ever going back to that shop
Kert, I hope with all my heart that you can avoid becoming dependent upon sleeping pills. I have them, and I use them, but they scare me because of the dependency issue. I actually spend a lot of time lying awake rather than put myself in more jeopardy than I already am, yet nights do come along when I have something important to do the next day, and I'll know that it's either pills or sleeplessness, so I usually opt for pills. Now that I'm also on pot, it has enabled me to take fewer pills, so at least there's that.
"I'm a bit close to breaking down and hopefully that gets prevented."
My dear, I am so sorry. We're a long way apart, but I care about you, and I will be here for you as much as I can be. You can count on that.
If you would like to trade email addresses, put yours on my blog, and I won't let it appear in the comments's section. I don't want you to feel alone.
@Snow,
Thank you so much. Your concern means a lot to me. I've struggled with this illness for a long time and many times, I felt alone. Primarily because people in my society still do not understand the illness (see how I'm still hesitant to use the word?).
It's been quite some time since I last took slipping pills. I tried to free myself from it since, as you said, it can be scary to grow dependent on it. But I had to take them again since lack of sleep had deterred my academics -- and I really, really, REALLY need to graduate this semester.
Thank you so much for caring. It makes me feel less alone knowing that someone out there (even in a far away land) cares about what I'm going through.
I'll drop by in your blog later.
Have you tried meditation? It is difficult to get going when you are really depressed, but can be very helpful even if you only sit for 15 minutes several days a week. Depression is a tough thing to battle and everyone has to find their own way through it. Sometimes that may involve making peace with it being part of your life. Keep searching for the things that might work for you.
Thinking of you. Big hugs and hoping you are getting some sleep now.
Hello Cindy,
I really want to try meditation but I have no idea how to do it properly. And it's difficult for me to get to a relaxed state without falling asleep.
HAHA.
But I'm getting better actually. I have attended classes again. Times are still rough but hopefully everything goes better.
Thank you so much for the concern, Cindy.
Post a Comment