This is hopefully my final semester in college. It's been a struggle lately. I'm anxious when thinking about graduation. All sorts of worries, doubts, etc come creeping into my head when I think about it. But I only have to deal with two Physical Education (PE) classes this semester (and that one academic subject I need to complete before the semester ends).
The problem is I'm not a very big fan of sports. Academics I can more or less deal with, even at times when I'm just dragging my feet. But PE -- that's a different story.
One of my issues (that I have to solve) is that I hate doing things that I find senseless. I don't like going to lectures where I know the teacher's just messing with the class because I won't get anything from the experience anyway (kinda the reason why I got an incomplete for one subject). I'd rather stay at home than endure a painful lecture then bang my head on the wall after listening to crap.
Well PE is not crap, but I don't see the whole point of it being required in the college level. Who are they kidding anyway? Requiring students to take 4 PE classes each doesn't make us any healthier. It just makes us more stressed because a.) it's difficult to get any PE subject when every person in the university has to take four, and b.) it just adds to the strain we have to endure when we are already mentally and physically stressed from the academic work (try having just 15 min of sleep in 48 hours just to finish a term paper -- and do that repeatedly).
Add this dilemma to the mix of doubts on the whole graduation/getting-a-job-after-work affair, then everything just becomes a train wreck.
Part II:
To escape the chaos of university life, I took two part-time jobs. One is home-based and the other is an office job. This proved to be a bad idea.
What I do in the office job is reviewing documents and digitizing them. I spend the entire day inside a freezing cold office, my butt on the same seat the entire day, flipping through the files then scanning them. It pays well, but it requires much more of my emotional confidence.
It's a very significant project, I can say that. I don't doubt the importance of the work I have to do. It's just the mind-numbing drag that is the whole thing. And then I feel insignificant. In a place like that, there is no room for learning or creativity. You write what you read, you scan. That's it. You succumb to your boss (and accept whatever annoying little comment he has to make that may degrade your entire soul). I hate it.
The whole place suffocates me. I feel caged every time I'm in the office.
And then I become more anxious than I already was. Is this the kind of life waiting for me after I graduate? Is this what I have to do to earn? Then money, for me, becomes undesirable -- hateful even -- if I have to be thrown in a cage like that.
Part III
Pathetic. And so this is what I'm going to be. And this is how people will look at me because I refuse to go with the herd -- like Will the Krill. Or maybe, like that ridiculous crustacean, I'm just trying to bite off more than I can chew.
PS. My back hurts so much I want to break it.
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